Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
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[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Nice try, NASA
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.