hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
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“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.