I put the mess in domestic.
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HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.