[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
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“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
my fav colour is also hitler
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new