Still my favorite headline of all time:
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Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it