A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
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After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Customer is always right
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff