me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
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“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?