12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
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“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
🖤✌🏽
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Someone just threatened to call me later
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
very niche meme I made