My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
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Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.