[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
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I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
*seductively corrects your posture*
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.