4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
You Might Also Like
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.