Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
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Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Girl, same.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.