I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
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[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Kids, do not try this at home!
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Webb. James Webb.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.