My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
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6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
John Wick: contract killer
John Wink: lady killer 😉
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Ironic
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.