A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
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When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.