Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
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“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*