(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
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what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing