Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
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You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.