*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
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I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Current mood: Potato
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.