When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
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This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
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looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.