Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
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Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
me refusing to leave twitter
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.