The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
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random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
The thought that I鈥檓 the human鈥檚 pet #BlowsMyMind
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we鈥檙e going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let鈥檚 try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won鈥檛 do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 馃憥.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn鈥檛 it
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it鈥檚 a push broom, there鈥檚 no app
12YO: is it on mom鈥檚 phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.