Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
You Might Also Like
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.