Oh thanks BBC.
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Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
umm…
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
The pen is writier than the sword.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.