*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
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I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?