I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
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Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.