Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
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once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.