Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
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I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.