Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
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Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Running from your problems is cardio .
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
A French press is when you hug naked
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here