ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
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MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket