I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
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If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.