I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
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I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is