Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
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[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.