guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
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[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.