[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
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Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
guilty
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.