on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
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He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)