Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it