“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
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says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Love this one 😂🧟
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”