A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
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My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
this has to be peak English
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you