Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
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An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”