You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
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Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
The French word for sex is croissant.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting