No regrets in 2018
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“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Mountain Goat : )
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Y’all know who you are.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Mad Max Arctic Road
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Not all heroes wear capes…
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP