When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
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I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too