freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
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The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Good news
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
Today’s weather from Yorkshire