The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
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It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI