My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
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Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I need a headline like this
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.