#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
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I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’