It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
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doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.