Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
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lol
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.