[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”